http://labs.tineye.com/multicolr/
Given the serious nature I have taken lately and feeling as though I have concentrated too much on my own personal healing process, compacted by the fact that none of my enlisted friends have given me topics to use as parameters (other than "dear penthouse forum" thank you Justin, but I don't feel comfortable exampling that writing style here just yet) I feel it necessary to explore here a nifty fun search too designed for us visually oriented types. Below is a picture I found using this tool, find it if you can but feel free to get lost finding your own pretties.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/60169539@N00/2409272685
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Anger and Forgiveness - learning from mistakes
The find of the day is: an article that discusses emotional healing.
. Military horrors, extreme stress, the aftermath of violent crime, and the painful baggage of sexual abuse, along with other types of trauma can be dealt with. It is the feeling that healing is "so difficult" that slows down the mind's own healing process.
. Military horrors, extreme stress, the aftermath of violent crime, and the painful baggage of sexual abuse, along with other types of trauma can be dealt with. It is the feeling that healing is "so difficult" that slows down the mind's own healing process.
. I am reminded of a little girl, barely five years old. There are two different incidents which illustrate the power of mindset over the healing process. The first example is one where she had been told not to go near the stove, it was hot. After placing her hand directly on the hot burner and crying, she had been told to listen better next time and that it was her own fault; now hold this ice cube. any other doting was foregone because she was at fault.
. Almost a year later I asked her about the incident. "do you remember..." I ask her; and she is quick to rub her hand and quote her lesson of don't go near the stove when Daddy says not to because it could be hot and that hurt. She had been forced to think about what effect her actions had on things.
. Our actions sometimes don't feel as if they have any effect on our otherwise mundane lives. We go to work, we go home, we have a meal, we sometimes have someone to talk to but then we go to sleep at night and whether you have someone to hold at night or not, it seems we all fall asleep with just our intimate selves, maybe having a conversation about our day inside our own minds. It is this connection between our actions and our inner lives that is central to the healing process. Insomniacs: one ofthe things you may be missing out on, just a heads up. When it comes to dealing with an emotional event, don't give up on talking through something with yourself because of it's perceived difficulty. Simply start remembering as many facts as possible. Right down to what you believed at the time as opposed to what was really going on.
. When it comes to trauma, just like the little girl, we sometimes brood on where we could have gone wrong as if there is a lesson to learn or as if we did something wrong. Sometimes this is right, sometimes it is not. Case specific. The healing process needs a certain amount of this painful r(h)umination in order to learn the lesson for the future. But what is healthier to focus on when the incident is considered trauma? Certainly not anything you had no control over. And trust me, in traumatic situations we sometimes don't have the slightest bit of control over the fear.
. Do you remember that little girl? Well she is five now and decided she wanted to help the big folk by moving some fire-wood. A real bright thing, if lacking manners. But she jumped straight to doing before watching to learn how it was done. She missed the think before you act step.
. A large block of wood she had intended to hold slipped from her grip and fell on her toe. Her crying was met with her doting father's affection, band-aids and other bits of "ignore what happened" bricka-brack . (sorry, my vocab is a generation gap) The little girl never spent her "think about it" time really thinking about where she went wrong. Instead the time she was supposed to spend learning her lesson was spent being treated kindly by someone who loves her. And now she craves it.
. Some people, like this little girl, spend too much time ignoring the real lesson in trying to ignore the pain. The pain fades very quickly, it is recalling that pain which can give us strength or drive us into an emotional abyss. While it is a good thing to work on looking past the pain in order to think more clearly, it is not good to ignore what happened completely nor to dive too deeply into it. As a matter of fact it is very important to explore every detail of what happened, right down to the way you felt at the time. But to do so in a matter of fact way.
. Little girl still doesn't recall the pain or the lesson of the heavy things, but when asked about her toe she says it hurts, will Daddy get her a band-aid? The toe got dropped on once over six months ago. Since, it has been stubbed no less than enough times to get Daddy to shower her with attention and affection.
. She is stuck in trauma mode. The next step is forgiveness. Forgive the block of wood which had no control over its own weight. Forgive the intention to help despite the lack of forethought. After all, not knowing better than to think ahead is still a lesson we continue to learn throughout life. Forgive the pain. But don't forgive the reaction.
. The hot stove gave a sore hand which could not be made to go away but served as a constant reminder of what she did not want to happen again. At some point it occurred to her that there was no way of knowing if the stove was hot, so always treat it with caution. This didn't stop her from going outside and experiencing things for fear of unknown danger. It taught her to begin to think about what could happen.
. We are older and wiser, we know that it is important to remember what happened. It is sometimes difficult to overcome fear, this is true. But the truly mature use fear to overcome the self. I was lying on the floor hearing fearful noises getting closer to me wondering if it would make me a target if I ran. I couldn't have tackled them and made it all stop, I just wanted to get away. This is ok.
. Late at night I thought to myself: if it happens again, how could I get them to stop. Difficult situations occur, there's no stopping that. But I am a stronger and better person because I have begun to accept and look past the anger and the fear and the pain, as I have no control over those things and have begun to forgive. In conjunction with forgiving has been the constant fascination with difficulty. It has been difficult to accept that these things happen and it is our reaction in those moments that effects the outcome. No two situations are alike. But the person inside you remains the constant. Who should that person be? Now think about it.
(h) From the Latin word: "rūminātio "chewing the cud"; see ruminate." comes a very good word for the phenomenon of practicing a mundane or unpleasant act being crucial to continued survival. It is defined exactly as:
.The act of ruminating; i.e. chewing cud and other ruminants.
.(figuratively) Deep thought or consideration.
.(psychology) Negative cyclic thinking; persistent and recurrent worrying or brooding.
.(pathology) An eating disorder characterized by repetitive regurgitation of small amounts of food from the stomach.
but make no mistake, to ruminate is a good thing... Well maybe not the chewing vomit part, not for us.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Anger
Even when you're angry it is very important to remain gracious.
.
. I have found that most of the people I have encountered in my short time rely on what they can immediately sense about a person as a basis by which to read or judge that person. An intelligent person picks up on this idio centric societal truism and uses it to their advantage. I have. When I meet someone, I tell them what is beneficial for them to know about me.
. It has been very difficult living through the ramping up of the next great depression, even harder being mostly homeless and reliant throughout. I am of the belief that there needs be no shame in being a victim or homeless or poor. But to lead with such facts can be counter-productive when you try to win over new contacts. Most people won't view the information as precluding some epic tale of leadership and resourcefulness. instead they'll write you off like the bum begging for change by the train station.
. Currently I am coping with a great deal of grief and my outlet of choice for many years has been to share my experiences with a fun and informative moral somewhere in it. It has always been a good thing to learn from the experiences of your elders. So I spend a lot of time with the elderly asking them for advice. I highly recommend the practice. It has taught me to be gracious about the hardships of others. Listen politely, ask how they ever managed to cope.
. Recently I met someone who seemed genuinely interested in problem solving with me and it became clear to me how angry I am not only with what happened but also with myself for allowing myself to get into the situation where it could have happened again. Let alone my anger at the, we'll say "aggressor" in the situation. But old habits die hard, I could not let on that this was the case. The conversation could have ended two ways and I couldn't help forgoing the sympathetic response for the trickier to procure compliment on how well I handled the situation.
. So instead of leading with what happened, here's the useful advice, lead with how it is suddenly noticeable how many people have the bad habit of displaying their anger like some badge of honour. Example: we all have that Facebook friend who is always posting some broken hearted girlfriend post. You know the one, it's about how she is strong, better off without, jack-holes aren't worth the time, blah blah blah. And I for one shut out negativity and when conversation allows for it, I hint at how much worse things could be.
. It is healthy to vent your frustration, don't get me wrong, but it is a fault no matter how you look at it. Grandma had a brother died in the war, what was your problem again? My point is that there's always someone has it worse off and unless whatever the incident was can contend on such a level, it is selfish and small minded to openly express anger.
. The bum I had a conversation with at three this morning hasn't had a family since his forties, nor a real conversation since he lost his leg in the accident at the under-the-table job he held three years ago. He wasn't angry. I told him I wasn't either but i couldn't believe his ability to keep going. Eventually I asked him how he did it, but I'll get to that later. Poor thing smelled like he needed a long shower, but at least someone was talking to him for once.
. It took a little while but when the bum had said enough to be ok with handing over the spotlight to me; he asked what brought me here. When I told him, he smiled and said that was too bad. I knew what he meant so I asked him again how he did it. He told me that he just couldn't stop breathing by choice anymore. His pause to smirk only lasted a second. He said the sun still shines every damn day and his lungs keep filling' with air all on their own so he might as well try and fill his belly which was work enough in these times.
. I was grateful. It will be useful information if this shit keeps happening to me.
.
. I have found that most of the people I have encountered in my short time rely on what they can immediately sense about a person as a basis by which to read or judge that person. An intelligent person picks up on this idio centric societal truism and uses it to their advantage. I have. When I meet someone, I tell them what is beneficial for them to know about me.
. It has been very difficult living through the ramping up of the next great depression, even harder being mostly homeless and reliant throughout. I am of the belief that there needs be no shame in being a victim or homeless or poor. But to lead with such facts can be counter-productive when you try to win over new contacts. Most people won't view the information as precluding some epic tale of leadership and resourcefulness. instead they'll write you off like the bum begging for change by the train station.
. Currently I am coping with a great deal of grief and my outlet of choice for many years has been to share my experiences with a fun and informative moral somewhere in it. It has always been a good thing to learn from the experiences of your elders. So I spend a lot of time with the elderly asking them for advice. I highly recommend the practice. It has taught me to be gracious about the hardships of others. Listen politely, ask how they ever managed to cope.
. Recently I met someone who seemed genuinely interested in problem solving with me and it became clear to me how angry I am not only with what happened but also with myself for allowing myself to get into the situation where it could have happened again. Let alone my anger at the, we'll say "aggressor" in the situation. But old habits die hard, I could not let on that this was the case. The conversation could have ended two ways and I couldn't help forgoing the sympathetic response for the trickier to procure compliment on how well I handled the situation.
. So instead of leading with what happened, here's the useful advice, lead with how it is suddenly noticeable how many people have the bad habit of displaying their anger like some badge of honour. Example: we all have that Facebook friend who is always posting some broken hearted girlfriend post. You know the one, it's about how she is strong, better off without, jack-holes aren't worth the time, blah blah blah. And I for one shut out negativity and when conversation allows for it, I hint at how much worse things could be.
. It is healthy to vent your frustration, don't get me wrong, but it is a fault no matter how you look at it. Grandma had a brother died in the war, what was your problem again? My point is that there's always someone has it worse off and unless whatever the incident was can contend on such a level, it is selfish and small minded to openly express anger.
. The bum I had a conversation with at three this morning hasn't had a family since his forties, nor a real conversation since he lost his leg in the accident at the under-the-table job he held three years ago. He wasn't angry. I told him I wasn't either but i couldn't believe his ability to keep going. Eventually I asked him how he did it, but I'll get to that later. Poor thing smelled like he needed a long shower, but at least someone was talking to him for once.
. It took a little while but when the bum had said enough to be ok with handing over the spotlight to me; he asked what brought me here. When I told him, he smiled and said that was too bad. I knew what he meant so I asked him again how he did it. He told me that he just couldn't stop breathing by choice anymore. His pause to smirk only lasted a second. He said the sun still shines every damn day and his lungs keep filling' with air all on their own so he might as well try and fill his belly which was work enough in these times.
. I was grateful. It will be useful information if this shit keeps happening to me.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Cyclical History Profet-teering
Art of manliness: cycles of history
. It is a very long article but it is full of very eye-opening stuff. For the past several months I have felt very listless about my life concerning direction. I have known that it is one of those things that I cannot change, not knowing what will happen that is, and that the thing I can change: my mood about it, has a lot to do with. The motivation to try. Reading this article has allowed me the motivation to try because it kind of opened my eyes to a present pattern that can be recognized.
. I, like most, have a tendency to feel more comfortable when there is some perceivable plan or path before me. I don't fly off the handle when dinner plans change, but having the plans helps me cater my day leading up to those plans. Savvy? Well, the dinner plans in life include enough financial success to have a home with a yard and a couch with a best friend. Maybe a sweet rat rod too!
. But the question remains: how to get there? It is a constant effort to try to predict what will be trending, and how to white hat some positive exposure. I am not of the Charlie Sheen philosophy that any publicity is good publicity, but I do believe that researching and elaborating a topic two months before it is relevant is a good thing. Predicting the future in this way doesn't have to be a crap shoot. Given the comfort and knowledge this article provides I find myself confident now when I read up on politics and pioneering style life-skills. The latter being an interest of mine for years now anyway.
. We may be in a recession or unraveling stage, bourdering on depression or crisis stage, but my generation has a high. Likelihood of grooming the leaders and heroes, our high point is in the making and we have time to make the next roaring twenties exactly what we want it to be. I vote for lucrative, trade and skill oriented with hydroponic food sources as the new wave of farming. Also, why not make it easier for any Schmoe to produce and distribute? I say de-regulate the crap out of small businesses. Without freedom to try, there's less desire to learn. Of course I am referring to the government over using it's power to restrict. Examples being the illegalization of lemonade stands and bake sales!
. Ok, that's enough of my opinion to read today, hope you learn something like I did.
. It is a very long article but it is full of very eye-opening stuff. For the past several months I have felt very listless about my life concerning direction. I have known that it is one of those things that I cannot change, not knowing what will happen that is, and that the thing I can change: my mood about it, has a lot to do with. The motivation to try. Reading this article has allowed me the motivation to try because it kind of opened my eyes to a present pattern that can be recognized.
. I, like most, have a tendency to feel more comfortable when there is some perceivable plan or path before me. I don't fly off the handle when dinner plans change, but having the plans helps me cater my day leading up to those plans. Savvy? Well, the dinner plans in life include enough financial success to have a home with a yard and a couch with a best friend. Maybe a sweet rat rod too!
. But the question remains: how to get there? It is a constant effort to try to predict what will be trending, and how to white hat some positive exposure. I am not of the Charlie Sheen philosophy that any publicity is good publicity, but I do believe that researching and elaborating a topic two months before it is relevant is a good thing. Predicting the future in this way doesn't have to be a crap shoot. Given the comfort and knowledge this article provides I find myself confident now when I read up on politics and pioneering style life-skills. The latter being an interest of mine for years now anyway.
. We may be in a recession or unraveling stage, bourdering on depression or crisis stage, but my generation has a high. Likelihood of grooming the leaders and heroes, our high point is in the making and we have time to make the next roaring twenties exactly what we want it to be. I vote for lucrative, trade and skill oriented with hydroponic food sources as the new wave of farming. Also, why not make it easier for any Schmoe to produce and distribute? I say de-regulate the crap out of small businesses. Without freedom to try, there's less desire to learn. Of course I am referring to the government over using it's power to restrict. Examples being the illegalization of lemonade stands and bake sales!
. Ok, that's enough of my opinion to read today, hope you learn something like I did.
Friday, July 20, 2012
PTSD and trauma recovery
Today's find of the day is: Grief
. Three key elements to trauma or PTSD recovery are:
The way you react.
The way you should react.
The internal perspective you need to take to bridge that gap.
Answer those as simply as possible. Evaluate with yourself the importance of differing perspectives. Prioritize for yourself and for your recovery.
. Different people act and react differently and while some may not need help, often the rest of us do. One key element in recovery always seems to be support and counseling. Often times it takes an outside perspective to be honest with you about your reactions. Sometimes we jump to anger or tears before considering healthier means of expression. Not that years are unhealthy, but like mother always used to say: "too much is too much" and "moderation is key."
. The most successful treatment program to date is AA's 12 step program. It isn't exactly fit to PTSD or trauma recovery but it has some over-arching principles that, when taken from a more generalized perspective are not only applicable but beneficial.
The twelve steps are:
Admit powerlessness.
A power greater than one's self can exist in your life and help.
Decide to turn control over to that power as you understand it.
Take moral inventory.
Admitted to self, and another the exact nature of what's wrong.
With understanding of self comes the ability to change character.
Internally ask for strength against shortcomings.
List those who have been harmed by our own shortcomings.
Make amends wherever possible, avoid injuring others.
Continue to self analyse, where wrong, promptly admit it.
Continually prey for the knowledge and power to carry on a better way.
Help someone.
Now, I'm just summarising here, but in very general terms, these are the twelve steps.
. Again, however, it is extremely important to seek the support of others. Opening up and discussing what happened and how it makes you feel is the most positive thing you can do. Be firm about your desire or need to do this. If someone is not listening, is interrupting or is overbearing with their opinions on how you should feel or think, find someone else, someone who is willing to listen. Then talk.
. There are five major steps to grief and there is no way to determine how long it takes to get through each. Take the time to understand yourself and the ways in which you are thinking, your beliefs cannot be categorised and organised as much as they can and must be felt. I have known many who found the most difficult stage to get through was the depression stage.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
. Sometimes when a person is stuck to deep or too long in one stage or another, medication can help take the edge off, perhaps numb the pain enough to continue working on the healing process. If you suspect this might be the case: seek a professional, articulate your thoughts and feelings, discuss with them progress and your feelings. Sometimes merely summarizing your frustrations into an organized fashion can be just the nudge your brain needs to say "how silly I've been, all hung up here! Time to move on!" If not, a professional's job is to help. Don't be afraid to ask them to do so, and don't be afraid to admit that their brand of help might not be the right fit for you.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Mood adjustment :). Koi.
. You don't ever really need an excuse to stare into a pond of Koi or to watch the water flow from atop a bridge. If you can find peace and serenity for a moment in your day, take the opportunity and do so.
. The thought occurred to me, when I stopped at a nursery and landscaping business to wander around the very perimeter of the grounds. I wasn't there to find or buy any plants, flowers and gardening are not exactly my forte; besides I'm years away from having a property I can nest properly.
. Someday I will; and it will have an apple tree. Maybe a few rows of vegetables, probably tulips lining a walkway or something. As I passed a myriad of plants, shrubs, flowers... I found myself wandering the back section. Trees in their decomposable pots and burlap ball bags, waiting to be planted and begin a life as someone's ornamental status-symbol, all pretty, all saplings.
. I came to a pond where the frogs were big and croaking their slow love songs to one another. I always went down to the lake as a kid to catch frogs. Remembering this made me smile. I laughed to myself thinking of the time I lst a boot wading through the deep back mud of the mucky part of the lake. I was so upset that it had happened.
. Wandering around this quaint road-side business I came to a bridge over a small stream. Leaning on the hand-rail I watched the water flow towards me and thought it was a nice metaphor for life, youth I later corrected myself.
. Everything you came from, you are able to look back on and while you can't see it all at once, you know that the water comes from somewhere and has touched so much. The influences that make you and your life unique and whole; culminate together in a sparkling torrent and come to you. Staring back at the water rushing towards me I couldn't help but think about how life always seems to be an up-stream battle.
. Then I turned and watched the water going the other way. Here, I thought, was the true metaphor for life! I'd been looking at everything coming my way thinking I was facing the right direction. Seeing only what came to me. And I was wrong.
. What passed me, in life too, was what I could have an impact on. I dropped a leaf into the water and watched it flow down-stream. First it passed a clump of reeds, then a patch of long grass, stalled in a circle around a little pool formed by some larger rocks, it poured from there and fed downstream until it disappeared around a bend and beneath a culvert.
. Life is an up-stream battle if you look back all the time. But when you realize that where you are going is what you will have done, is what your life is really about, then you can start directing the flow towards the things that need your nourishment. You can begin to sculpt the landscape that will have been your path through life.
. Walking back to my car I stopped at a pond. It reminded me of a taoist truism I like to think of when things get rough. "When the water is cloudy, just wait. In time the dirt will settle and the water will become clear again." through the ripples in the water I saw something alive. I waited and in a moment of stillness I saw flecks of orange and gold on black and white patches. The Koi were beautiful.
The Art of The Conversationalist += Happiness
. Happiness isn' t just a fleeting dream but it's not something easily obtainable solo. How exactly do we capture that intangible and all too infrequent sensation of being happy? Well, I'm of the scientific mind, call me new fashioned or call me old fashioned, pursuant to what era you are from. Five basic steps based in the loose science of psychology allow a person to discover their own Happiness Project
. First, take a lesson from science. One of many. It is a well established principle in psychology that man is a social animal and that we are distinguished from other members of the "animal" family by our perpetual habit of thinking about the future and conjecturing as to action and consequence. Straight up: we think; we think and we need to share it.
. Whether it's an article in playboy about how to guess what woman is easy based on how she crosses her legs (surprisingly fun article to test at a party some time!) or if it's just sitting down with an old bud and talking about your week; sharing our experiences makes us less stressed and feel happier. The truth of it all is that we like to have someone listen to us. And those who need to be listened to often will show their gratitude if you have earned it and ask.
. Lesson two: in today's day and age it is difficult to indulge personal connections, so go out and make a new friend in person. It's a very digital landscape and a business world. Take the time to sit down with an elderly person, go to the park and strike up a conversation with someone on a bench who would otherwise be absorbed in their phone, smile and say hello to the next minimum wage worker you see. Start a conversation and listen.
. I find that having a large circle of friends and people who share their thoughts and feelings with you allows you more opportunities and it is this profit angle I've had the misfortune of gaining a working exploratory knowledge of over the course of the last several years. Many friends have given me many basic necessities in nominal amounts in the past. I owe these people much gratitude, I've often paid that due in the form of indulgence. But while I've lived penniless for the majority of my years, the only debts I still have unpaid are college loans and most that have helped me are eager to spend time with this 'ol friend again.
. Lesson three: establish what your time is worth by quantifying your basic needs and dividing by your available hours in the day. Always remember you are not available for at least several hours of "work" and sleep (or as I like to say: rest). Psychologists and Psychiatrists get paid eight hours a day to listen to people talk. While they have a bunch of damn good worth-while knowledge that helps you make sense of whatever it was, their best and most profitable work is when they ask the elaborative type of questions that allow someone to discover the answer all on their own. So sit down and listen and ask questions that equate to the age old 'how does that make you feel.' Do remember how much valuable time you've spent and be honest and fair about the needs you should have been "working" on in that time.
. The frustrating part of the process is listening to someone talk for hours about their meaningless status updates or some non sequitur they are all too proud to boast about when you personally would rather surround yourself with doers or talk about yourself. So I just look at it like this when I find myself in just such situations: I don't know how or when yet but just like Dr Freud, I am getting paid for this. Then I take it as a cue to my easily empathetic brain that it's time for a question that'll get 'em back on the elaboration track.
. Lesson four: Be honest, be fair. When you notice someone feeling happy, it's a good time to say something like: "Well this has been fun but I really must go, I still have to find some place to stay for the night." Ok, so you probably have the basic necessity of shelter covered, but be a parent to yourself: why spend hours indulging some else's need when there's something you need to accomplish? If you understood lessons one, two and three correctly and didn't mention a need far beyond this person's capabilities, about three quarters of the time, this person will offer to help. Three quarters, that is if you got them to smile. You can get away with a lot if you make someone laugh.
. I spent three months putting a stranger to bed every night. Sometimes he slept, sometimes we chatted all night. I was helping him with the basic necessities and in turn he would let me vent for an hour or three every night. I needed that then and we became great friends. But somewhere along the way he stopped indulging in my daily rant, but he kept relying on my support of his physical and emotional needs. The hardest part for me was to move on because when a person's need to feel important is met by someone, letting go is a reluctant act. But I always was bad at being fair to myself.
. Lesson five: be a giver. The old adage goes: a little kindness goes a long way. So far for me it's gone ten states and a different country. Though my personal happiness goal is to plant roots at a little farm somewhere, I feel I just may meet the person that can open that door for me next. So; as long as I have food and shelter and am lucky enough to earn just enough bill money, I will keep giving of myself, at least on a personal level.
. Set your personal happiness goal; it could be a companion, a tangible thing, ruling the world, whatever; now be honest with yourself, what have you done to get there today? Not sure what makes you happy? Neither am I, but here's some great advice: go ask a friend. If you're doing enough of the listening to ask for help, they won't know either. You could ask them to explore it with you. Or go make a friend and start the process anew. Be fore-warned, starting over sucks. It is usually more painful every time.
. First, take a lesson from science. One of many. It is a well established principle in psychology that man is a social animal and that we are distinguished from other members of the "animal" family by our perpetual habit of thinking about the future and conjecturing as to action and consequence. Straight up: we think; we think and we need to share it.
. Whether it's an article in playboy about how to guess what woman is easy based on how she crosses her legs (surprisingly fun article to test at a party some time!) or if it's just sitting down with an old bud and talking about your week; sharing our experiences makes us less stressed and feel happier. The truth of it all is that we like to have someone listen to us. And those who need to be listened to often will show their gratitude if you have earned it and ask.
. Lesson two: in today's day and age it is difficult to indulge personal connections, so go out and make a new friend in person. It's a very digital landscape and a business world. Take the time to sit down with an elderly person, go to the park and strike up a conversation with someone on a bench who would otherwise be absorbed in their phone, smile and say hello to the next minimum wage worker you see. Start a conversation and listen.
. I find that having a large circle of friends and people who share their thoughts and feelings with you allows you more opportunities and it is this profit angle I've had the misfortune of gaining a working exploratory knowledge of over the course of the last several years. Many friends have given me many basic necessities in nominal amounts in the past. I owe these people much gratitude, I've often paid that due in the form of indulgence. But while I've lived penniless for the majority of my years, the only debts I still have unpaid are college loans and most that have helped me are eager to spend time with this 'ol friend again.
. Lesson three: establish what your time is worth by quantifying your basic needs and dividing by your available hours in the day. Always remember you are not available for at least several hours of "work" and sleep (or as I like to say: rest). Psychologists and Psychiatrists get paid eight hours a day to listen to people talk. While they have a bunch of damn good worth-while knowledge that helps you make sense of whatever it was, their best and most profitable work is when they ask the elaborative type of questions that allow someone to discover the answer all on their own. So sit down and listen and ask questions that equate to the age old 'how does that make you feel.' Do remember how much valuable time you've spent and be honest and fair about the needs you should have been "working" on in that time.
. The frustrating part of the process is listening to someone talk for hours about their meaningless status updates or some non sequitur they are all too proud to boast about when you personally would rather surround yourself with doers or talk about yourself. So I just look at it like this when I find myself in just such situations: I don't know how or when yet but just like Dr Freud, I am getting paid for this. Then I take it as a cue to my easily empathetic brain that it's time for a question that'll get 'em back on the elaboration track.
. Lesson four: Be honest, be fair. When you notice someone feeling happy, it's a good time to say something like: "Well this has been fun but I really must go, I still have to find some place to stay for the night." Ok, so you probably have the basic necessity of shelter covered, but be a parent to yourself: why spend hours indulging some else's need when there's something you need to accomplish? If you understood lessons one, two and three correctly and didn't mention a need far beyond this person's capabilities, about three quarters of the time, this person will offer to help. Three quarters, that is if you got them to smile. You can get away with a lot if you make someone laugh.
. I spent three months putting a stranger to bed every night. Sometimes he slept, sometimes we chatted all night. I was helping him with the basic necessities and in turn he would let me vent for an hour or three every night. I needed that then and we became great friends. But somewhere along the way he stopped indulging in my daily rant, but he kept relying on my support of his physical and emotional needs. The hardest part for me was to move on because when a person's need to feel important is met by someone, letting go is a reluctant act. But I always was bad at being fair to myself.
. Lesson five: be a giver. The old adage goes: a little kindness goes a long way. So far for me it's gone ten states and a different country. Though my personal happiness goal is to plant roots at a little farm somewhere, I feel I just may meet the person that can open that door for me next. So; as long as I have food and shelter and am lucky enough to earn just enough bill money, I will keep giving of myself, at least on a personal level.
. Set your personal happiness goal; it could be a companion, a tangible thing, ruling the world, whatever; now be honest with yourself, what have you done to get there today? Not sure what makes you happy? Neither am I, but here's some great advice: go ask a friend. If you're doing enough of the listening to ask for help, they won't know either. You could ask them to explore it with you. Or go make a friend and start the process anew. Be fore-warned, starting over sucks. It is usually more painful every time.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Happy. Ok?
Two things I really want to share today, having found them, I couldn't not share... Please enjoy! :)
First: press The Button.
Now if your Objective Reality settings need adjustment: re-think happiess. :)
First: press The Button.
Now if your Objective Reality settings need adjustment: re-think happiess. :)
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Abuse.
No one should ever have to live in fear of the person they love.
. This is the phrase that really hits home for me. Because it's true. More so for anyone who has had the experience. According to some random statistic I found online, and am oddly inclined to believe: 50% of women will experience some form of domestic abuse or domestic violence. This number is scary because it's high, sure, but it's terrorizing because I have a feeling it's true.
. Ok, trip back to health class. Remember there were seven major forms of abuse: physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, cultural and cohersive control I believe we're the categories. I'm not going to bore you with what each entails, but the gist is that one person exerts control over another in whatever way they can. And no matter the method the result is painful and traumatic.
. Many people don't recognize the signs of an abuse victim, sometimes the cry for help manifests in such a way that the victim seems normal, happy, or perfect. It isn't very uncommon for these types of situations to include some level of threat against anyone finding out. For fear of the abuse getting worse, the victim might sometimes go out of their way to make things seem fine. What's worse is, given time, it's not like things get better either way.
. Abuse is a pattern like alcoholism or other accepted forms of wrong turn life styles. And like these other forms of wrong choice life styles, it is important to be supportive of those seeking help. Whether it is a victim looking to break the pattern of living with abusive types or abusive types looking to break the pattern of thinking that makes the abusing seem like the right decision at the time.
. To quote domesticviolence.org: Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims. But it happens too often to be ignored and people both good and bad deserve to be encouraged to break negative patterns.
. Look out for these signs of abuse:
People who are being abused might:
Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
Go along with everything their partner says and does.
Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.
Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.
Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
Rarely go out in public without their partner.
Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.
Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).
...if you see these signs, even a slight personality change, please speak up, ask if everything's alright, offer an escape of some sort, be supportive. Sometimes it is the feeling of being trapped or of having nowhere to turn or no other option that allows these situations to escalate. If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, it is best to stop the cycle or break ties. The sooner the better.
. Threats, intimidation, denial or blame, isolation, humiliation, and dominance are some of the methods an abuser exerts control over another. It is very difficult to do; but imagine you love someone and they isolate you from friends or work then demean you for some lacking quality, for example: low income, then when confronted about it they blame their stress at a job, or the pressure of trying to support you. In this situation it's easy to think: wait a minute, you are the one didn't want me to go out and work... What the hell. But you love them and so you dismiss the thought. It only gets worse, it's called the cycle of violence. The worst of it is wanting to dismiss it because you love them. Don' dismiss it, you're smart and picking up on warning signs. Believe in yourself and your right as an adult to not be controlled.
. Again to quote domesticviolence.org: Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Sometimes the manifestation seems unconscious on the abusers behalf, but abusers have adopted a pattern of abuse so that they can get what they want. Both sides of this equation require a change in patterns of thinking, it seems there's a lot of focus out there on convincing a victim to no longer tolerate or facilitate the behaviour, to get away.
. There is another side to this equation I feel needs just as much attention to bring that terrorizing number, help the abusive personalities recover from their pattern of thinking, there's always a peaceful option, it's ok to not get what you want, it's not ok to force your expectations onto another's life. Domestic abuse hotlines can name places where the pattern can be unlearned and broken. Please break the pattern, no one you love deserves that.
Helpline: 1.800.799.7233(safe)
Wiki: The main goal for treatment for offenders of domestic violence is to minimize the offender’s risk of future domestic violence, whether within the same relationship or a new one. The majority of offender treatment programs are 24–36 weeks in length and are conducted in a group setting. It has been demonstrated that domestic violence offenders maintain a socially acceptable façade to hide abusive behavior, and therefore accountability is the recommended focus of offender treatment programs. Anger management alone has not been shown to be effective in treating domestic violence offenders, as domestic violence is based on power and control and not on problems with regulating anger responses. More productive foci include topics such as recognizing abusive patterns of behavior and re-framing communication skills. Treatment of offenders involves more than the cessation of abusive behaviour; it also requires a great deal of personal change and the construction of a self-image that is separate from former behaviour while still being held accountable for it.
To a specific friend: http://www.pcadv.org/Resources/LocalProgramContacts.pdf
http://www.christineann.net/about/programs-services/offender/male-offender
. This is the phrase that really hits home for me. Because it's true. More so for anyone who has had the experience. According to some random statistic I found online, and am oddly inclined to believe: 50% of women will experience some form of domestic abuse or domestic violence. This number is scary because it's high, sure, but it's terrorizing because I have a feeling it's true.
. Ok, trip back to health class. Remember there were seven major forms of abuse: physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, cultural and cohersive control I believe we're the categories. I'm not going to bore you with what each entails, but the gist is that one person exerts control over another in whatever way they can. And no matter the method the result is painful and traumatic.
. Many people don't recognize the signs of an abuse victim, sometimes the cry for help manifests in such a way that the victim seems normal, happy, or perfect. It isn't very uncommon for these types of situations to include some level of threat against anyone finding out. For fear of the abuse getting worse, the victim might sometimes go out of their way to make things seem fine. What's worse is, given time, it's not like things get better either way.
. Abuse is a pattern like alcoholism or other accepted forms of wrong turn life styles. And like these other forms of wrong choice life styles, it is important to be supportive of those seeking help. Whether it is a victim looking to break the pattern of living with abusive types or abusive types looking to break the pattern of thinking that makes the abusing seem like the right decision at the time.
. To quote domesticviolence.org: Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers and men can be victims. But it happens too often to be ignored and people both good and bad deserve to be encouraged to break negative patterns.
. Look out for these signs of abuse:
People who are being abused might:
Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
Go along with everything their partner says and does.
Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.
Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.
Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
Rarely go out in public without their partner.
Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.
Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).
...if you see these signs, even a slight personality change, please speak up, ask if everything's alright, offer an escape of some sort, be supportive. Sometimes it is the feeling of being trapped or of having nowhere to turn or no other option that allows these situations to escalate. If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation, it is best to stop the cycle or break ties. The sooner the better.
. Threats, intimidation, denial or blame, isolation, humiliation, and dominance are some of the methods an abuser exerts control over another. It is very difficult to do; but imagine you love someone and they isolate you from friends or work then demean you for some lacking quality, for example: low income, then when confronted about it they blame their stress at a job, or the pressure of trying to support you. In this situation it's easy to think: wait a minute, you are the one didn't want me to go out and work... What the hell. But you love them and so you dismiss the thought. It only gets worse, it's called the cycle of violence. The worst of it is wanting to dismiss it because you love them. Don' dismiss it, you're smart and picking up on warning signs. Believe in yourself and your right as an adult to not be controlled.
. Again to quote domesticviolence.org: Abuse is not an accident. It does not happen because someone was stressed-out, drinking, or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Sometimes the manifestation seems unconscious on the abusers behalf, but abusers have adopted a pattern of abuse so that they can get what they want. Both sides of this equation require a change in patterns of thinking, it seems there's a lot of focus out there on convincing a victim to no longer tolerate or facilitate the behaviour, to get away.
. There is another side to this equation I feel needs just as much attention to bring that terrorizing number, help the abusive personalities recover from their pattern of thinking, there's always a peaceful option, it's ok to not get what you want, it's not ok to force your expectations onto another's life. Domestic abuse hotlines can name places where the pattern can be unlearned and broken. Please break the pattern, no one you love deserves that.
Helpline: 1.800.799.7233(safe)
Wiki: The main goal for treatment for offenders of domestic violence is to minimize the offender’s risk of future domestic violence, whether within the same relationship or a new one. The majority of offender treatment programs are 24–36 weeks in length and are conducted in a group setting. It has been demonstrated that domestic violence offenders maintain a socially acceptable façade to hide abusive behavior, and therefore accountability is the recommended focus of offender treatment programs. Anger management alone has not been shown to be effective in treating domestic violence offenders, as domestic violence is based on power and control and not on problems with regulating anger responses. More productive foci include topics such as recognizing abusive patterns of behavior and re-framing communication skills. Treatment of offenders involves more than the cessation of abusive behaviour; it also requires a great deal of personal change and the construction of a self-image that is separate from former behaviour while still being held accountable for it.
To a specific friend: http://www.pcadv.org/Resources/LocalProgramContacts.pdf
http://www.christineann.net/about/programs-services/offender/male-offender
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