. Military horrors, extreme stress, the aftermath of violent crime, and the painful baggage of sexual abuse, along with other types of trauma can be dealt with. It is the feeling that healing is "so difficult" that slows down the mind's own healing process.
. I am reminded of a little girl, barely five years old. There are two different incidents which illustrate the power of mindset over the healing process. The first example is one where she had been told not to go near the stove, it was hot. After placing her hand directly on the hot burner and crying, she had been told to listen better next time and that it was her own fault; now hold this ice cube. any other doting was foregone because she was at fault.
. Almost a year later I asked her about the incident. "do you remember..." I ask her; and she is quick to rub her hand and quote her lesson of don't go near the stove when Daddy says not to because it could be hot and that hurt. She had been forced to think about what effect her actions had on things.
. Our actions sometimes don't feel as if they have any effect on our otherwise mundane lives. We go to work, we go home, we have a meal, we sometimes have someone to talk to but then we go to sleep at night and whether you have someone to hold at night or not, it seems we all fall asleep with just our intimate selves, maybe having a conversation about our day inside our own minds. It is this connection between our actions and our inner lives that is central to the healing process. Insomniacs: one ofthe things you may be missing out on, just a heads up. When it comes to dealing with an emotional event, don't give up on talking through something with yourself because of it's perceived difficulty. Simply start remembering as many facts as possible. Right down to what you believed at the time as opposed to what was really going on.
. When it comes to trauma, just like the little girl, we sometimes brood on where we could have gone wrong as if there is a lesson to learn or as if we did something wrong. Sometimes this is right, sometimes it is not. Case specific. The healing process needs a certain amount of this painful r(h)umination in order to learn the lesson for the future. But what is healthier to focus on when the incident is considered trauma? Certainly not anything you had no control over. And trust me, in traumatic situations we sometimes don't have the slightest bit of control over the fear.
. Do you remember that little girl? Well she is five now and decided she wanted to help the big folk by moving some fire-wood. A real bright thing, if lacking manners. But she jumped straight to doing before watching to learn how it was done. She missed the think before you act step.
. A large block of wood she had intended to hold slipped from her grip and fell on her toe. Her crying was met with her doting father's affection, band-aids and other bits of "ignore what happened" bricka-brack . (sorry, my vocab is a generation gap) The little girl never spent her "think about it" time really thinking about where she went wrong. Instead the time she was supposed to spend learning her lesson was spent being treated kindly by someone who loves her. And now she craves it.
. Some people, like this little girl, spend too much time ignoring the real lesson in trying to ignore the pain. The pain fades very quickly, it is recalling that pain which can give us strength or drive us into an emotional abyss. While it is a good thing to work on looking past the pain in order to think more clearly, it is not good to ignore what happened completely nor to dive too deeply into it. As a matter of fact it is very important to explore every detail of what happened, right down to the way you felt at the time. But to do so in a matter of fact way.
. Little girl still doesn't recall the pain or the lesson of the heavy things, but when asked about her toe she says it hurts, will Daddy get her a band-aid? The toe got dropped on once over six months ago. Since, it has been stubbed no less than enough times to get Daddy to shower her with attention and affection.
. She is stuck in trauma mode. The next step is forgiveness. Forgive the block of wood which had no control over its own weight. Forgive the intention to help despite the lack of forethought. After all, not knowing better than to think ahead is still a lesson we continue to learn throughout life. Forgive the pain. But don't forgive the reaction.
. The hot stove gave a sore hand which could not be made to go away but served as a constant reminder of what she did not want to happen again. At some point it occurred to her that there was no way of knowing if the stove was hot, so always treat it with caution. This didn't stop her from going outside and experiencing things for fear of unknown danger. It taught her to begin to think about what could happen.
. We are older and wiser, we know that it is important to remember what happened. It is sometimes difficult to overcome fear, this is true. But the truly mature use fear to overcome the self. I was lying on the floor hearing fearful noises getting closer to me wondering if it would make me a target if I ran. I couldn't have tackled them and made it all stop, I just wanted to get away. This is ok.
. Late at night I thought to myself: if it happens again, how could I get them to stop. Difficult situations occur, there's no stopping that. But I am a stronger and better person because I have begun to accept and look past the anger and the fear and the pain, as I have no control over those things and have begun to forgive. In conjunction with forgiving has been the constant fascination with difficulty. It has been difficult to accept that these things happen and it is our reaction in those moments that effects the outcome. No two situations are alike. But the person inside you remains the constant. Who should that person be? Now think about it.
(h) From the Latin word: "rūminātio "chewing the cud"; see ruminate." comes a very good word for the phenomenon of practicing a mundane or unpleasant act being crucial to continued survival. It is defined exactly as:
.The act of ruminating; i.e. chewing cud and other ruminants.
.(figuratively) Deep thought or consideration.
.(psychology) Negative cyclic thinking; persistent and recurrent worrying or brooding.
.(pathology) An eating disorder characterized by repetitive regurgitation of small amounts of food from the stomach.
but make no mistake, to ruminate is a good thing... Well maybe not the chewing vomit part, not for us.
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